My First Breakup

1 year and 8 months. What does that mean now that it’s all over? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It felt like it was washed away in one night, but frankly it was a long time coming. The beginning when the butterflies, the nerves and excitement still existed, I felt like I was in a fairytale. As time went on, it all just withered away.  I could never get him to care the way I wanted. I continued to make excuses to stay. “Oh, maybe things will change. Times are tough right now for him.” I compromised and I continued to settle for unhappiness, but I didn’t realize it then. I fooled myself into believing that I was happy. As time went on, the more we disagreed on what we wanted from life and how I wanted to be treated, brought the worst of me. Jealousy. Anger. Resentment. But I ignored my unhappiness. I kept holding onto our past, our love story. My feelings were never valid in his eyes. In his eyes, I was dramatic and expected too much. All I ever heard were excuses. “I’ve had a long day at work. I’m tired. I have to wake up early for work. I’m trying but it isn’t good enough for you.” Honestly, if that was truly your best to make me feel like you “loved me” then I wouldn’t be upset. I never knew wanting actions of love to go along with the statement, “I love you” was expecting too much. For the longest time, I believed that I was expecting too much. When I was the instigator of arguments (which was most of the time) because he could never make definite plans with me to save his life, or because I realized that we are on different levels on each other’s priority lists (quite honestly, I don’t think I was ever on it), I would quickly apologize out of fear even if I felt like I had nothing to apologize for. I didn’t want to lose him. I still am unclear on whether or not I was in love with him or the idea of him. Probably the latter. Why did I stay for so long? Sometimes I told myself that this was it for me. This is the best love out there for me. I didn’t think I deserved more than what I was receiving. Right? I believed that there was a reason why he couldn’t give me more. Something had to make him believe that I didn’t deserve more. Wrong. It took me 1 year and 8 months and someone else’s determination to leave the relationship to make me realize that I DO deserve more.

Sadly, the breakup is fresh. He actually was the one that ended everything. He told me he knew he could never give me what I wanted and he could never make me happy. It was if he was he meant he was willing to give up his own happiness of being with me for my own. No one is that selfless. Maybe that’s cynical of me, but it’s true. I know there has to be another reason. I know I was not the perfect girlfriend.

A week and a half later, I feel as if the pain and sadness will never disappear. I can’t help but to forecast the day when he moves on and finds a girl who will make him happier than I ever could. It’s heartbreaking. How does anyone move on from your first real love? There were so many happy memories that now are  outnumbered by nights of rolling tears of sadness. It’s funny that in hindsight, it’s all 20/20. I hope he finds what he is looking for in life.

My Puppy, Leo

I love my dog. I thought those words would never come out of my mouth. I’ve wanted a dog ever since I was 10, but with the endless amounts of no’s from my parents, the dream felt so far away. 11 years later, little Leo came into my life when he was just 3 months old. He is now 6 months and is the cutest little fur monster ever!

There is such a strong, yet weird love I have for my puppy. I took him to the groomers for the first time ever, and it was so hard to let him go for  4 hours. I love waking up every morning and he is racing to the door to go outside and play. He is one smart dog!

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On the ride home from getting him


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When he was small enough to fit in my bag and go everywhere with me

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Home from the groomers

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After our 2 mile walk, chillin’ on the patio deck

 

 

 

 

Hello Again

Hello Internet. It has been a while. The blogging mood has not struck  me till recently as I was sitting alone at Starbucks looking for a distraction from Zoology. I can’t believe I started this blog 3 years ago. Where has the time gone? Just yesterday I was dying to graduate and now I graduate college in less than 3 months with no concrete plan for the future.

Not much has gone on my life since the last time I’ve written. It has been filled with failed diets and exercise regimens. This new healthy lifestyle I have been on has been my longest attempt yet. I have been trying to make little changes here and there. I began budgeting my life, stopped my crazy sticker planner obsession and focussing more on my school work.

I joined the executive board on this honor society called National Society of Leadership and Success. It has been taking up my free time which is good. It prevents me from watching TV all day and do absolutely nothing on days I don’t work.

My boyfriend got a job so we see less of each other. This is also another good thing. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to death; but when I know he is free, I want to skip all my responsibilities to be with him. So now that he has to work, I have to be responsible and focus on me and get my shit together.

I need to meet new people. All of my friends have graduated college and now I am loner. It really doesn’t matter that I meet new people during my last semester, but I want to meet people in my exact position: graduating college with no plan for the future. You would think this would be a good percentage of the college population, but everywhere I look and listen, everyone has a plan. I have decided to apply to pharmacy school, but what happens if I don’t get accepted? What next?

I stopped obsessively buying makeup and using what I already have. I stick to the same products. I realized that I am no makeup guru or artist and I am not rich so there was no need to to keep buying the same champagne colored eyeshadow from a million different brands but only use the same one color. Don’t get me wrong, I love splurging every few months on a new lipstick or foundation when I feel like I have worked hard enough.

What’s going on in your life people? How is college treating you?

-Elle

Tennis Saturdays

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Good morning!

Today marks day 1 of becoming physically active. I’ve been BEGGING Whit to come out and play tennis with me since last year and we finally got around to it! And of course, no outing with the gals is a true outing if I’m not late. But, we all know the rule: don’t show up anywhere until Ellie has confirmed she is in fact on her way.

Shout out to our friends P and J who joined us and made our experience 10x better. We attempted to hit the balls a few times and managed to consistently smack it into the family playing adjacent to us more times than we should have.  Although we are novices, it was SO MUCH FUN going out to see friends you’ve missed, and being silly with one another trying to become the next Serena Williams. P and J are a classic comedy gal pal…

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The Millionth Time

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I don’t remember the last time I stepped foot into a gym or when my heart was beating faster than 140 bpm. Every morning I wake up and I tell myself today is the day I go to the gym. But then I turn on my phone, go through social media, walk to the kitchen, eat breakfast, and by then I’ve already convinced myself I don’t have time for the gym today. This has to be the MILLIONTH time I’ve started a new work out regimen, but it’s going to be different this time. It’s not going to be the millionth time I fail.

Your health is SO important. Lately, I’ve been taking my ability to be active for granted. I don’t take care of myself and one day soon it’s all going to be falling apart on me. During all my failed attempts of working out, I used to think…

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Welcome

Hello friends! Whether you have been following my blog from the very beginning, which was over a year ago, or just today, welcome.

Some of you long-time readers may be slightly confused as to what has happened to my old blog! I decided to change it and make it more personal. I wasn’t really having fun with it anymore. Many of you don’t know what I look like and that sometimes can make it hard to get to really know someone. I only shared the old blog with strangers as it is easier to share your most intimate thoughts with strangers rather then with people who have known you either from high school, college or even your own family. As time passed by I realized that there is nothing wrong with who I am and I shouldn’t hide it. So here I am! My name is Ellie. I’m 20 years old and I have black hair.

To my friends and family: I’ve had a blog for a while. I needed an outlet to share my thoughts with people and so my blog was born. I’ve always wanted to share it with you all, but I was scared of judgement from others for expressing my true thoughts and feelings. But as I said, I’ve come to realize there is no shame in being who I am and if anyone should really understand that and accept you for who you really are, are your friends.

With that being said, I honestly don’t know how interesting this new blogging journey will be since I lead a rather boring college-student life but for those of you who are interested, enjoy!

Ellie

Finals

The semester is wrapping up and finals will be here in two and a half weeks. Yikes. I hate how my school doesn’t have a ‘dead week’ like other universities. They don’t understand that us college students actually need that week off from learning new material, assignments and tests and actually focus solely on comprehensive finals!!!  I’ve planned out all my studying time for the rest of the semester to ensure that I’m prepared for every final and if I don’t follow it, I’m screwed. There is just no other way to say it. I was actually supposed to study ochem today, and I will, but the lack of motivation and access to YouTube is ruining the plan. I promise I’ll get up in 30 minutes and start studying.

I wish I could say I was truly excited for the semester to end. The day of my last final only means I have three weeks left until summer classes begin. I’m taking physics I and II which will take the entire summer. I also need to find a job because I’m in dire need of money. I hate using my parents money.

I wish all of you luck on your finals!

 

Coffee and Chocolate Muffins

I definitely stayed up late last night watching TV on my computer which was a bad idea since I didn’t wake up on time to make it to my Ochem class. At least the lectures are recorded so at least I can watch it back. I got a late start on everything today. I didn’t actually jump in the shower until 12 and I only did so because my friend James and I made last minute lunch plans. If it wasn’t for the lunch plans, I would’ve stayed in bed a little longer.

I’m currently sitting at the library dreading to study and write my human physiology paper that is due tomorrow. I’m telling myself I’m on a 30 minute break because I just studied Ochem for 3 hours with James.  It’s one of those days where I just don’t want to do anything related to school. All I really want to do in this exact moment is to bury myself under my blanket and fall into a deep sleep. It’s a really gray and gloomy day here in Texas and that just entices me even more to just stop everything and sleep! But I won’t get to until I’m finished with this paper which will probably be around 12am or 1am tonight.

I could actually use a really good cup of coffee from Starbucks right now and a huge chocolaty muffin. I think I might actually pay Starbucks a visit here in a second. I’m gonna need that coffee for tonight’s procrastination session.

Family Weekend

“You should never sacrifice three things: your family, your heart, or your dignity.”

This quote basically sums up every emotion I felt this weekend.

This weekend just puts into perspective how much I love my family and has made me realize I wouldn’t know how to live or go on without them. I would never do anything to compromise the love that I’m surrounded with. I’m so blessed to have such a big and loving family. So many new memories were created. My family from out of the country has been visiting us here in the States and I’ve been recording every moment of it for them. I felt so professional because I was finally able to bust out my tripod and my DSLR! I’m going to compile all the footage and make them a little American adventure video. I love doing things like this! Hopefully they will enjoy it as much as did creating it.

As for my heart, I have so much love to give and sometimes I give it to people who could care less for it and it makes me feel less dignified. No one should ever make you or me feel that way. I don’t understand why guys are so complicated. They say girls are, but I beg to differ. He consumed my thoughts today and I wish I could say they were good, but they were thoughts of doubt and uncertainty. I want to write about it in detail, but it only makes the situation seem that much more real. I’m honestly just not ready to come to terms with the reality of the situation yet.

On top of boy troubles and crazy family duties, I barely got any studying in. I finished chemistry and human physiology homework, but I still need to study for a test I have coming up on Tuesday. I wish I had more eventful things to write about, but tomorrow is a new day and they’ll be more things to discuss and recall!

I’m going to end the night with loads of laundry while attempting to look over some test material. I don’t know how that’s going to work, but it just has to!

I hope everyone has a happy Monday!

 

 

 

Keeping Up With the Grind

I love lists. As I cross things off, I feel majorly accomplished. I’m trying to get most of everything done today because tomorrow I’ll be home to celebrate my birthday with my family even though its been a week since then. Everyone was on vacation and so they decided to push my celebration another week which is fine by me.

Status of today’s list:

  • Schedule appointment with Academic Advisor about next semester
  • Go to the chemistry clinic for help with certain ochem problems 
  • pick up ochem test from Professor
  • Write ochem lab write-up
  • start sapling ochem homework
  • ochem practice problems
  • write a blog post
  • speech evaluation paper 

As I progress into my college career, it gets harder for me to plan out the classes I’m going to take. Enrollment for Summer and Fall classes begin on April 14th and I have yet to meet with my advisor. As a science major, your course load is obviously full of science classes and you are always doing more than the regular 12 credit hours per semester. Most of my classes I’m taking semester have labs so it’s going to be tough. On top of biology and chemistry classes, I’m required to take two general physics classes! Of all the sciences, physics is my least favorite. There’s a reason why I’m not an engineering major. For me, I know physics will be a lot of work so and it will be difficult to balance it during the regular school year with my other chemistry classes.

My schedule for Summer and Fall as follows:

Summer: My summer is going to be so much fun.

  • Physics I
  • Physics II

Fall: I’m currently only at 11 hours and I need one more class to make me a full-time student. As part of my degree plan, I have to take 8 hours worth of  advanced electives that do count towards my actual biology credit hours. Basically I can take any 3000/4000 level class that do not have to relate to biology.

  • Organic Chemistry II
  • Organic Chemistry Lab
  • Brain and Behavior
  • Microbiology with Lab
  • advanced elective

Touching base on what I mentioned on yesterday’s post, I dedicated today to independent studying and it’s just what the doctor ordered. I got so much more done today and in a timely manner. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I love being at school on Fridays. The library isn’t crowded, no lines in the dining hall, all the cool studying areas are open and the desks with outlets are open as well. Hopefully I can keep this grind going.